The 8th annual Melbourne Underground Film Festival will run this Sept. 20-30 and they have already posted up their lovely program guide on their site. The theme for this year’s fest is 50,000 movies in 35 different venues, although my numbers may be slightly off.

Seriously, the program guide is like a work of art, crammed with lengthy essays, marathon movie descriptions, career overviews, great film stills, etc. I suggest you go download a copy for yourself. What it is not, however, is easily laid out for easy cut-and-pasting into an Underground Film Journal post. Seriously, these things usually take me a few hours to do at least, so I think festival director Richard Wolstencroft is literally trying to kill me now with this thing. I wouldn’t put it past him. All you have to read is his 3-page director statement. Here’s an excerpt:

A Benevolent Psychopathology is a way out. It is an exit looked for in the work of Bret Easton Ellis, Thomas Harris and other scribes of the post modern waste land. Not until people from all classes go collectively and gently mad can we be saved. The Western world needs to form elites and reconstructive groups, create new political identities that and vital and protean and can take action.

But, he is a lovely guy who stops by this site personally to drop off his MUFF news, so there you go. Here’s the lineup, the best that I can do. I may be dead by the end of it:

Sept. 20:
7:00 p.m.: A Nocturne, dir. Bill Mousoulis. Australian vampires. (Watch this underground film streaming online)
Screening with: A preview of The Muffumentary, dir. Steve Jennings
Bugcrush, dir. Carter Smith

Sept 21:
5:00 p.m.: Moonlight & Magic, dir. Timothy Spanos. A woman with diabetes goes on a cross-country trip with her mohoawked boyfriend to find a place to call home and meets various interesting people, including a brain-damaged nudist and a breast cancer survivor.

7:00 p.m.: Taurobolium, dir. Larry Wessel. A documentary on bullfighting. Shown with Lip-Stick Liz. Part of a Wessel retrospective.

9:00 p.m.: Porn King: The Al Goldstein Story, dir. James Guardino. Guess who this documentary is about.

10:15 p.m.: Death Weekend, dir. William Fruet. A dentist and his girlfriend are tortured by a gang of thugs.

Sept. 22:
5:00 p.m.: Sugar and Spice, dir. Larry Wessel. A documentary on the L.A. transgender and drag communities. Part of a Wessel retrospective.

6:00 p.m.: Suck Dog, dir. ?. A documentary on zine publisher and performance artist Lisa Cristal Carver.

7:00 p.m.: Snuff Movie, dir. Bernard Rose. A maniacal movie director stages a re-creation of the night his wife was murdered.

The Believer, dir. Henry Bean. A Jewish boy becomes a Neo Nazi. Starring Ryan Gosling.

9:00 p.m.: Left Ear, dir. Andrew Wholley. A Polish immigrant in Australia wants to find women to make “sexy time” with, but just ends up with a blow up doll.

12:00 a.m.: Wild Side, dir. Donald Cammell. A call girl gets stuck between a money launderer and his sexy wife. Part of a Cammell retrospective.

Sept. 23:
5:00 p.m.: Taber Corn, dir. Linden Reko. A mockumentary about a man who runs the world’s greatest website devoted to Lucio Fulci, the Italian horror director.

The Truth About WMDs, dir. Paul Haines. Four lads traipse around the world looking for those lovely Weapons of Mass Destruction.

6:00 p.m.: 70k, dir. Jamie Howarth. Graffiti artists document the production of their artwork.

7:00 p.m.: Flesh, dir. Stuart Stanton. One member of a musical trio is bitten by a zombie while on tour, which doesn’t bode well for any of them.

The Great Ecstasy of Robert Carmichael, dir. Thomas Clay. Bored teens stage a violent home invasion for kicks.

Freestyle: The Art of Rhyme, dir. Kevin Fitzgerald. An insightful look into the world of rap.

9:00 p.m.: Short films by slain filmmaker Theo Van Gogh.

Hotel, dir. Mike Figgis. A film crew decides to make a movie in a haunted hotel.

Rolling, dir. Billy Saleeby. A faux documentary about several people high on Ecstasy who hang out in Los Angeles.

Sept. 24:
5:00 p.m.: WR: Mysteries of the Organism, dir. Dusan Makavejev. A documentary on Wilhelm Reich and sex freaks in NYC. New York has sex freaks?

Tattoo Deluxe, dir. Larry Wessel. A documentary about a San Pedro tattoo parlor. Shown with Disinfo Nation. Part of a Wessel retrospective.

6:00 p.m.: The Subject, dir. Chris Scott. A kidnapped woman is killed, but it’s ok because she’s quickly re-animated from the dead.

7:00 p.m.: All the Colours of the Dark, dir. Sergio Martino. Distraught over losing her unborn baby in a car accident, a tormented woman joins a Satanic cult. Part of an Italian Giallo retrospective.

White of the Eye, dir. Donald Cammell. A sound expert tries to prove he’s not behind a series of bloody murders. Part of a Cammell retrospective.

Sex, Death, and the Hollywood Mystique, dir. Larry Wessel. A look at the seedier side of Los Angeles. Part of a Wessel retrospective.

Mini-MUFF 1.” Shorts:
Broken Spell, dir. Magda Matwiejew
The Method Man, dir. James Portanier
A Short Collection of Hilary Flamingo’s Dream Vocations, dir. Harriet Fleuriot
Teat Beat of Sex, dir. Pierre Poire
60 Second Relief, dir. Rupert Owen
Under Development, dir. Audrey Lam
Bush, dir. Fran Apprich
10 Thousand Steps, dir. Qiao Li
Underground, dir. Audrey Lam
I Am Hearing the Last Bird, dir. Ryan Tebo
Seizure and Synesthesia, dirs. Clint Lewis and Damien Pascoe
Climate Change, Bicycling and You, dir. Kurt Diegert

9:00 p.m.: The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave, dir. Emilio Miraglia. A deranged count who tortures and kills prostitutes is haunted by the ghost of his dead wife. Part of an Italian Giallo retrospective.

Matthew Barney: No Restrait, dir. Alison Chernick. A documentary about avant garde filmmaker Matthew Barney (the Cremaster series) as he prepares for and shoots his latest epic, Drawing Restraint 9, starring his wife, the singer Bjork.

“The Hand-Made Films of Evan Mather.” A retrospective of the short filmmaker’s work including the movies Quentin Tarantino’s Star Wars, Les Pantless Menace, Buena Vista Fight Club, Fansom the Lizard and Scenic Highway. (P.S. I love this guy’s films.)

“Mini-MUFF 2.” Shorts:
House Warming, dir. Lee A. Marquardt
Lap of Death, dir. Jean Luc Syndikas
The Man Amongst Trees, dir. Josh Tanner
Disappointment, dir. Jason Sweeney
Axolotl, dir. Allan Cameron
Absent, dir. Simon Rauh
B-17: A Mini-Epic, dir. Arturo Cubacub

Sept. 25:
5:00 p.m.: Short Night of the Glass Dolls, dir. Aldo Lado. A corpse on a slab in the morgue flashes back in his mind to try to figure out who killed him. Part of an Italian Giallo retrospective.

Rhythm and Poetry, dir. Brendan Hay. When hip hop came to Australia…

7:00 p.m.: Watch Me, dir. Melanie Ansley. A ghostly girl pops out of a haunted VHS tape to kill viewers.

“The Home-Grown Films of David Lowery.” A retrospective of the short filmmaker’s work, including Land of Nod, Still, Looking For Love and A Delineation.

Demonseed, dir. Donald Cammell. A computer impregnates Julie Christie. Part of a Cammell retrospective.

“Mini-MUFF 3.” Shorts:
The Wrath of the Righteous Man, dir. Lucien Spectre
The Glimpse, dir. Zak Hilditch
Local Hero, dir. Nicole Smith
The Interrogation of Bryan, dir. Tom Salisbury
Les Gunz Du Noir (The Arms of Darkness), dir. Daniel ‘Lance’ McDonald
Physical Graffiti, dir. Daniel Hayward

9:00 p.m.: “Dynamic 1: David Lynch Shorts.” Featuring Out Yonder Neighbour Boy, Bug Crawls and The Darkened Room.

Performance, dir. Donald Cammell. The classic Mick Jagger-starring film about a rock star who hides a gangster in his house. Part of a Cammell retrospective.

“Mini-MUFF 4.” Shorts:
Ingrid Sits Holding a Knife, dir. Charlotte George
Pension Day, dir. Gordon Napier
Nothing, dir. Prasan De Silva
The Agreement, dir. Jason Munn
Anno Domni, dir. Chris Stone
The Lord Is My Shotgun, dir. Gabriel Dowrick
Gary’s Touch, dir. Ken Takahashi

Sept. 26:
5:00 p.m.: Love Runs Faster Than Blood, dir. Hideki Kitagawa. A woman deals with being molested by her uncle, the death of her father and the violent relationship she has with her boyfriend.

MUFF Academy with Peter “Sleazy” Christopherson. See Sleazy-directed videos for NIN, Ministry, Throbbing Gristle and Coil.

7:00 p.m.: Welcome Stranger, dir. Jason Turley. Two troubled teens hook up and have a drug and alcohol fueled day.

“Mini-MUFF 5.” Shorts:
Crooks Like Us, dir. Sedon Pepper
Dog Meat, dir. Mat Govoni
Exoskeleton, dir. Michael Dean
Johnny Deformed and the Igloo Holiday Parade, dir. Steven Hughes
The Morning After, dir. Daniel Knight
Wet Dreams, dir. Peta Manning
The Object of My Affection, dir. Natalie Vella and Peta Manning
Lilith, dir. Jim Stamatakos
Whore, dir. Isabelle McEwen
Gemini Descending, dir. Jenna Davis
Hotel Motel, dir. Michael Wannenmacher

9:00 p.m.: demonsamongus, dir. Stuart Simpson. On Christmas Eve, a guy is blamed for a murder that was actually committed by demons living in the woods while the devil tries to convince an ad exec that he should rule the world. (Watch Online)

“Mini-MUFF 6.” Shorts:
Pregnant Paws, dir. James Teh
Werewolf Priest, dir. Naz Mantoo
Detached, dir. Dave Wade
Let’s Dance, dir. Konrad McCarthy
Pelican Boy, dir. Dick Dale
Lust for Love, dir. Anton King
Box Wars, dir. David Broder
Numb Skulls, dir. Kelly Sheeran
Unknown Combo, dir. Steve Trevaskis
Disgruntled, dir. Cameron Parry

Sept.: 27:
5:00 p.m.: Roaring Whispers, dir. David Phillips. A boy, a hit man and a “dead” girl stand up to the world’s most ruthless corporation.

7:00 p.m.: Schoolgirl Report: What Parents Don’t Think Is Possible, dir. Ernst Hofbauer. An actual German PSA film from the ’70s. It’s just like what the title says.

“Mini-MUFF 7.” Shorts:
The Ultimate Survival Guide: A Civil Defence Announcement, dir. Rowan Barr
Zombie Love, dir. Yfke van Berckalaer
Welcome to Pipe Mountain, dir. Kenta McGrath (Read the underground movie review)
Dusted, dir. Chad Aston
Forged, dir. David No

9:00 p.m.: Song Demo for a Helen Keller World, dir. Larry Wessel. A documentary about the band Ugly Janitors of America. Part of a Wessel retrospective.

Threshold House Boys Choir: A live gig by Peter “Sleazy” Christopherson’s new band, plus a new short film and other clips featuring the band.

10:15 p.m.: Streetsweeper, dir. Neil Mansfield. A poet reminisces about the city that he used to love.

The Hidden, dir. Jessie Kirby. Teachers in Ireland suddenly go missing. Is a mass murderer offing them? Well, duh.

Sept. 28:
7:00 p.m.: Lords of the Underworld, dir. Dale Reeves. A mafia godfather figures out the perfect way to put a stop mob wars: by starting a league of gladiator-style death matches.

9:00 p.m.: Black Water, dirs. David Nerlich & Andrew Traucki. A trio out to have a good time on a lazy fishing trip instead become the next meal for a crocodile.

10:15 p.m.: “Coil Live.” Watch a rare and exclusive concert by the defunct band Coil, as headed by Peter “Sleazy” Christopherson.

12:00 a.m.: The Perfume of a Lady in Black, dir. Francesco Barilli. A chemist is tortured by the spirit of a little boy that leads her to voodooism and cannibalism. Part of an Italian Giallo retrospective.

Sept. 29:
7:00 p.m.: Born Rich, dir. Jamie Johnson. Johnson is the heir to the Johnson + Johnson empire and he interviews the kids of rich people for their views on life.

9:00 p.m.: Sex Wish and The Farmer’s Daughter, both dir. Zebedy Colt. Classic ’70s erotica.

10:15 p.m.: Ashley & Kisha, dir. Tony Comstock. Another real sex film by Comstock, this time starring two lesbians.

12:00 a.m.: Susan For Now, dir. Robin Franzi. After a decade of celibacy, a woman gets back in the game by exploring the world of sadomasochism. (Read the underground movie review)

Sept. 30:
7:00 p.m.: Garth Goes Hitchhiking, dir. Greg Pakis. An out of work actor kidnaps people to star in his new film.

9:00 p.m.: Llik Your Idols, dir. Angelique Bosio. A documentary about the Cinema of Transgression movement of NYC, which included filmmakers like Richard Kern, Lydia Lunch, Joe Coleman and Nick Zedd.